Today I took Sweet Baby to one of those indoor play places. It was full of toys and colorful mats and slides. I was so excited to go. Today they were offering a sensory play class. I was a little on edge about it just because Sweet Baby has a fine line: enjoying stimulation and getting over stimulated. And you can cross that line quickly. I called ahead last night asking about the class. It was the first time I referred to him as special needs (moms heart breaks)… One of my concerns was paying $15 for something we’d end up possibly leaving thirty minutes in. She said if we came, she’d work something out.
We pulled up this morning and I was kinda relieved we were the only ones there. Less chance of him getting over stimulated so quickly. I was excited to experience this with Sweet Baby. The sensory play class was in a room where they had bins full of beans, different textured objects and they had bubbles. He didn’t enjoy it. He cried and would throw himself back. He enjoyed the bubbles for a little bit-but quickly didn’t care. I was starting to feel awkward since we were the only ones there. I noticed the big room full of colorful mats and toys. Sweet Baby and I moved the party into there. He had fun for a little bit in the hammock but the rest of the hour he fussed as I took him around the room to try to find a toy that he’d want to play with. My heart started breaking as I thought of if things where different. If things were different he’d be running around the room, grabbing toys, playing with them. I’d have to chase after him. I desire so deeply to have to be chasing after him. Tears stung my eyes and I got our stuff together to go. The room started filling up with kids and their moms. Big grins as they get to play together. I don’t understand why God has chosen this path for us. I love Sweet Baby, but I felt jealously filling my heart. It took over like weed, growing so big I struggle to breathe. I wanted what they had so bad is hurt. Usually when I get jealous I get mad at myself. Sweet Baby is just so precious and amazing and I know I shouldn’t be jealous what I don’t have. I don’t want him to feel unworthy.
The lady was very kind to not make us pay. As I walked to my car I just felt this weight on my heart. I’m sad that he is missing out on so much. It’s not just selfish me (even though sometimes it is), but I want him to enjoy things the way other kids do. I want him to be able to crawl/walk away instead of throwing himself back and wiggling away. Tears streamed steadily down my face on our drive home. Feelings of never wanting to do stuff like this again filled my heart. In the end, I usually end up feeling like we are missing out on something. When it’s just us at home I don’t feel like we are missing out.
~Our Sweet Life~